Canine-friendly flights
'a thing of the past'

"STEWARDESS? I'll have a beer and a bowl of water."
"Woof."
"Okay, make that two beers."

There's an exchange you're not likely to hear much longer. Airlines have raised the cost of flying pets to ridiculous heights in an effort to recoup lost revenue since the September 11 attacks cut into their profits. Despite lower airfares, many passengers are outraged at prices that are forcing man's best friend to stay home and hold down the fort.

But why penalise the dogs? How can the airlines justify these price hikes for pets? Surely they won't try to blame rising security costs. I mean, when's the last time they caught a dog trying to sneak a box cutter on board? Or found one trying to light explosives hidden between his toes? Ever heard any news stories reporting a suspicious rise in the number of Cocker Spaniels enrolling in flight schools across the country? Then again, you can't be too cautious these days. Let your guard down for a moment and the day will soon come when a pack of four-legged passengers rushes the cockpit door, holds a Frisbee to the pilot's neck, and demands to be flown to the AKC Dog Show Championships. "One smart move and the navigator gets it on the ankles!"

It's not fair. Besides, dogs make better passengers than people. I've yet to read a story about a dog taking a dump on the beverage cart like that drunk guy did a few years back because they wouldn't serve him any more booze (I'll spare you the obvious "hair of the dog" joke here).

My point is, Fido shouldn't have to save his biscuit money for a year just so he can afford the "hairfare." Fur-get it! (sorry). It now costs more for a dog to fly below with the luggage than it does for his owner to fly in the cabin. Smaller rat-on-a-rope type dogs are allowed to fly coach.

Money concerns aside, I think forcing dogs to fly below with the luggage is inhumane anyway. If the airlines really believe dogs should fly with the cargo, how do they explain the ones in the cabin serving drinks? ... woof! Not that I think flight attendants have to be Playboy Bunnies or anything, but I've seen a few who, in the event of further personnel cuts, could still get a job in baggage sniffing Samsonites.

Despite customer complaints, the major air carriers show no signs of backing down. If these price hikes continue then the airline industry leaves us dog lovers with only one alternative; we must start our own dogs-only airline.

Laugh if you must, but I've invested a lot of time in research and development for this idea, interviewing dogs in boarding kennels, vets offices, and backyards across the country, to determine the travelling preferences and demands of our four-legged flyers. Their demands were many.

High on their list of concerns: security. Security will be tight. Suspicious looking Afghan hounds with no luggage and one-way tickets will not be permitted to fly. Air marshalls on every flight will be armed with rolled-up newspapers.

Value is another concern. Older dogs will be eligible for AARF card discounts and free ticket upgrades. Other changes will include:

· Remain Seated signs will now read "sit!"

· Peanuts will be replaced with Snausages.

· Windows will roll down so dogs can hang their heads out.

· In-flight movie: Dog Day Afternoon.

Last but not leash...I mean least, was their demand for comfort. To provide more leg(s) room and a more luxurious travelling ambience, traditional seating will be removed and replaced with, you guessed it...Bark-a-loungers.

You're probably thinking this is going too far, that spoiling dogs this way will turn them into whiney, high-maintenance passengers whose demands for pampering are rivalled only by their human counterparts. This is not so. In fact, in a surprising act of benevolence, all the dogs I interviewed unanimously agreed to even allow cats on board - below with the luggage, of course.